I'm pretty sure I just got five hours of barely interrupted sleep.

Worry is not a good enough word.
Typing is not helping.
I used to want to reach out and now I just recoil.
Nothing is within my control! nothing.
I'm an admitted "control freak" or, I was.
I used to be. That was the only way I could feel "safe". If I'm in charge, then nothing can go wrong. If I'm in charge, then no one can hurt me.
I think a lot of people feel the same way. It's self preservation to be selfish. It's self preservation to be a control freak.
Here I am now with no tools to fix these problems. Here I am with no more strength to carry them. Oh but they are there. They are breaking not just my back, but every bone in my body.
I feel strange. I feel angry and sad all at once.
I sometimes question things that I already know the answer to just to make myself feel better.
Lately when someone asks me "Is everything okay?" I just say "No"
No everything is NOT okay, but you know that, so stop asking.
Yesterday my daughter called me from her hospital room crying so hard and hysterically that it was in audible.
I can't recall my feet touching the floor as I ran to my vehicle. I drove chanting to myself "Obey the law, don't speed, get there safely." My car has constant "problems" it's just one more thing out of my control. As I'm driving the engine is revving strangely (as if the overdrive is trying to kick in) I'm pissed at it as I cross the Ross Island Bridge. "Not now you piece of shit!" I yell, as the man in the car next to me is noticing that he's driving next to a crazy person, and he's not sure if he should slow down and back away, or just watch. I got there in less then ten minutes.
She was crying, with a wet wash rag on her head. Heaving, sweating, red in the face crying. I ran to her side and she cried "I want my Mommy!"
I would do anything to make her smile. That I CAN be in charge of!

Comments

  1. DUFOctober 17, 2012 at 9:36 AM

    You are strong, you are amazing, you are perfect. Never think otherwise.

    Very little in life is within our control. But somewhere in that realization is a sardonic calm.

    You are loved by those around you. Aware that we cannot take this pain away from you or your daughter, we are here for you nevertheless. You know that.

    Thanks for posting updates to this blog. It means the world to a girl who feels powerless in the face of Amber's unimaginable challenges. Please send her my love.

    Megan Richardson

    ReplyDelete

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