From my point of view

I know, I should update more often, sorry. Frankly I have been so overwhelmed with everything that when I think about it too much I just start crying. Christmas week was one spent in the hospital. Amber had her bone marrow transplant on Christmas eve. Jordan, her fiance had a "cold sore" and was not there all week.... I think he just needed the time off. It did not go unnoticed by her that he was not there the day of her transplant. Jesse worked that day too. It was Amber and I alone in the hospital on a BIG day. They call transplant day your 2nd birthday. Let me explain for a second the transplant. It is not a surgery. It is an infusion that hangs and goes right into her hickman. Her hickman placement was a surgery, yes. The transplant is quite non-invasive. It looked like thick, red blood. She did pretty well. About an hour into the infusion a couple of her nurses came in to ask Sheryl if she needed any help. Then they said, "okay, we really just came to see Amb...

The only sound in the room is the IV pump and the ringing in my ears. The light is just a little green light flashing with the words MAINTENANCE FLUID scrolling like a marquee. Every once and a while I hear my husband take a deep breath. He's not snoring. That's rare. I've been having chest pains for three days. Today they are better then two nights ago. Two nights ago I thought my sternum was broken. Feels like heart problems again from my bleeding disorder. I'm ignoring them because I want to be here for my daughter. I don't want her alone. I don't want her with someone that may be negative, bring drama, or make her feel bad because they have to be here too. I know this is all going to catch up with me but, fuck it, walk a mile in my shoes! Don't stand there throwing empty suggestions. My doctor said my body is full of the stress hormone cortisol. Hopefully exercising will help but the stress is making my belly swell, ache, burn and turn. There's...

Worry is not a good enough word. Typing is not helping. I used to want to reach out and now I just recoil. Nothing is within my control! nothing. I'm an admitted "control freak" or, I was. I used to be. That was the only way I could feel "safe". If I'm in charge, then nothing can go wrong. If I'm in charge, then no one can hurt me. I think a lot of people feel the same way. It's self preservation to be selfish. It's self preservation to be a control freak. Here I am now with no tools to fix these problems. Here I am with no more strength to carry them. Oh but they are there. They are breaking not just my back, but every bone in my body. I feel strange. I feel angry and sad all at once. I sometimes question things that I already know the answer to just to make myself feel better. Lately when someone asks me "Is everything okay?" I just say "No" No everything is NOT okay, but you know that, so stop asking. Yesterday ...