It's five am

The only sound in the room is the IV pump and the ringing in my ears.
The light is just a little green light flashing with the words MAINTENANCE FLUID scrolling like a marquee.
Every once and a while I hear my husband take a deep breath. He's not snoring. That's rare.
I've been having chest pains for three days. Today they are better then two nights ago. Two nights ago I thought my sternum was broken. Feels like heart problems again from my bleeding disorder.
I'm ignoring them because I want to be here for my daughter. I don't want her alone. I don't want her with someone that may be negative, bring drama, or make her feel bad because they have to be here too.
I know this is all going to catch up with me but, fuck it, walk a mile in my shoes! Don't stand there throwing empty suggestions.
My doctor said my body is full of the stress hormone cortisol. Hopefully exercising will help but the stress is making my belly swell, ache, burn and turn. There's nothing they can do but throw prescription drugs at it or tell me that I need a surgery I can't afford...

A couple years ago a local spa wanted to do something nice for cancer moms. We all went there to get our choice of treatment. I asked for a facial, because I'd never had one. The girl was really sweet. She sweetly told me to exfoliate more, that my aging was all depression based, that my smile muscles were pretty much nonexistent. YAY all the depressing things that life can hand you, I carry.
I carry them while people avoid me, or tell me to smile, or say selfish things like "I can't believe you came out."
Well yes, if my friends invite me somewhere and I get the chance then I go. (It's not that often)

Amber was in and out all day and night.
Earlier I was trying to tidy up her room and I kept knocking things by accident or tripping over my own feet. She would giggle every time. Jesse told me to calm down once and she opened her eyes and said "Mommy needs to be OCD so just let her!" Then she was back out. She giggled a lot in her sleep tonight it made me happy.
Last night was sushi. Tonight she wanted Chinese tomorrow she wants Thai food.
Anything for her.

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