From my point of view

I make birthday resolutions. That's MY new year so I figure its the best time. I usually take some time to reflect on the year. I do suggest everyone does this. Weekly monthly and yearly. Goals can not be achieved all at once. "If your going to eat an elephant, you have to do it one bite at a time." So far this year my health both physical and mental were my goals. Things like getting the care I need for my digestive problems, seeing a counselor, and such I feel pretty on top of. I'm even exercising and doing yoga at home. Currently with my house being rearranged the way it has. (Ambers stuff in our bedroom, the living room dining, room, and kitchen are Jesse and I's studio apartment.) I literally don't have a wall that is free. I lean on the door for stretches and so on. I've added drinking a lot of water. That really helps. My soap keeps my skin clear but the water really helps it stay healthy looking. I forgot how dehydrated a person can get. Add on ...

Forgive any errors please I'm (again) posting from my phone. I'm trying to get used to it. It's been really nice having her home this past week. Her marrow came back with only 3% blasts and they consider 5% full remission. They can't even tell if that 3% is bad! Awesome. We're all quite thrilled to know she kicked out healthy cells so quickly. They said she could go straight to transplant. IF they can get everything scheduled and ready quickly. We've enjoyed the week. Once Amber felt like eating we fed her whatever she wanted. (Sushi was high on the list.) I received a package in the mail from childhood friends. I missed the delivery so Jesse an I had to drive to the post office and pick it up. I'd not been to this particular post office yet. It was basically a package pick up place. I cried my eyes out reading all the well wishes and even a special song written for Amber. It made me feel so special to know how much my friends care and how much they pa...

Worry is not a good enough word. Typing is not helping. I used to want to reach out and now I just recoil. Nothing is within my control! nothing. I'm an admitted "control freak" or, I was. I used to be. That was the only way I could feel "safe". If I'm in charge, then nothing can go wrong. If I'm in charge, then no one can hurt me. I think a lot of people feel the same way. It's self preservation to be selfish. It's self preservation to be a control freak. Here I am now with no tools to fix these problems. Here I am with no more strength to carry them. Oh but they are there. They are breaking not just my back, but every bone in my body. I feel strange. I feel angry and sad all at once. I sometimes question things that I already know the answer to just to make myself feel better. Lately when someone asks me "Is everything okay?" I just say "No" No everything is NOT okay, but you know that, so stop asking. Yesterday ...