I'm pretty sure I just got five hours of barely interrupted sleep.
Worry is not a good enough word. Typing is not helping. I used to want to reach out and now I just recoil. Nothing is within my control! nothing. I'm an admitted "control freak" or, I was. I used to be. That was the only way I could feel "safe". If I'm in charge, then nothing can go wrong. If I'm in charge, then no one can hurt me. I think a lot of people feel the same way. It's self preservation to be selfish. It's self preservation to be a control freak. Here I am now with no tools to fix these problems. Here I am with no more strength to carry them. Oh but they are there. They are breaking not just my back, but every bone in my body. I feel strange. I feel angry and sad all at once. I sometimes question things that I already know the answer to just to make myself feel better. Lately when someone asks me "Is everything okay?" I just say "No" No everything is NOT okay, but you know that, so stop asking. Yesterday ...